As a psychologist, I have the opportunity to work with many individuals, couples, and families who are affected by divorce. I see the devastating effects breakups can have on the family. The decision to divorce has a major impact on everyone in the family, but has the most powerful impact on the children.
A divorce can (eventually) represent an opportunity for a “second chance” for parents. For their children, however, the divorce has nothing to do with a second chance. Instead, the divorce represents a loss of the family environment they’ve grown up in and had every reason to believe would remain intact until they decided they no longer needed it. This loss, in turn, results in a disruption in the continuity of their daily routines, which, in turn, leads to deterioration in their sense of security.
Among the many changes in routine that children of divorced families may face are decreased contact with their parents, financial changes in the home, possible relocation, increased daycare and babysitting time, and less frequent family “sit-down” meals. Also, children often must cope with significant changes in one or both of their parents, including feelings of depression, irritability, moodiness, decreased availability, increased drinking, and eventual dating.
Lots of Feelings
Divorce profoundly affects children. In Surviving the Breakup, author Judith Wallerstein describes the experience of 60 divorcing families. She outlines the following key issues for children of divorcing families:
Fear: Divorce is frightening to children, and they often respond with feelings of anxiety. Children feel more vulnerable after a divorce because their world has become less reliable.
Fear of abandonment: One-third of the children in Wallerstein’s study feared that their mother would abandon them.
Confusion: The children in divorcing families become confused about their relationships with their parents. They see their parents’ relationship fall apart and sometimes conclude that their own relationship with one or both parents could dissolve, as well.
Sadness and yearning: More than half of the children in the Wallerstein study were openly tearful and sad in response to the losses they experienced. Two-thirds expressed yearning, for example: “We need a daddy. We don’t have a daddy.”
Worry: In Wallerstein’s study, many children expressed concern about one or both of their parents’ ability to cope with their lives. They wondered if their parents were emotionally stable and able to make it on their own. Over half of the children expressed deep worries about their mothers. They witnessed their mothers’ mood swings and emotional reactions to the events in the family. Some children worried about suicide and accidents.
Feeling rejected: Many children who experience a parent moving out of the home feel rejected by that parent. The parent that moves out is usually preoccupied with problems and pays less attention to the child than in the past. Many children take this personally and feel rejected and unlovable.
Loneliness: Since both parents are preoccupied with their problems during the divorce process, they are less able to fulfill their parenting roles with their children. The children may feel like their parents are slipping away from them. If the father has moved away and the mother has gone off to work, the children often feel profound loneliness.
Divided loyalties: The children may (accurately) perceive that the parents are in a battle with each other. The children feel pulled in both directions and may resolve the dilemma by siding with one parent against another.
Anger: Children in divorcing families experience more aggression and anger. It is often directed toward the parents, expressed in tantrums, irritability, resentment, and verbal attacks. Many children see the divorce as a selfish act and feel very resentful about the resulting destruction of their lives.
More than one-third of the children in Judith Wallerstein’s study showed acute depressive symptoms such as sleeplessness, restlessness, difficulty in concentrating, deep sighing, feelings of emptiness, compulsive overeating, and various somatic (body) complaints.
The symptoms that many children may have during the divorce process typically lessen or disappear within 18 months after the breakup. Of the symptoms that remain, the most common are manipulative behaviors and depression. The symptoms of depression in children include:
• Low self-esteem
• Inability to concentrate
• Sadness
• Mood swings
• Irritability
• Secretiveness
• Isolation
• Self-blame
• Eating disorders
• Behaving perfectly
• Being accident-prone
• Stealing
• Skipping school
• Underachieving at school
• Sexual acting out
Ways You Can Help:
There are several things parents can do to help lessen the adverse affects of divorce on their children. Of primary importance is the need for a child’s parents to remain “parents” to their child. Yes, it is highly unlikely that parents will come through a divorce without battle wounds and feelings of anger and resentment toward one another. But, it is extremely important to continue to work together as a team with regard to the children. Each parent must put aside their own feelings and display respect for the other parent and the rules and decisions that are made by each parent. If it is uncomfortable to talk person to person, use email, letters or even an objective third party to discuss differences you may have. Refrain from ever putting a child in the middle of the battle. Parents very often use their children as sounding boards for their own feelings of hurt and frustration. Don’t do this! ---this puts children in a friend role with the parent, and that is inappropriate. Be strong role models to your children. Show them how adults work out problems…with strength, good decision-making, and cooperation in the face of adversity.
It is also important for children to continue to maintain relationships with both parents. While parents recovering from a divorce are often left with a desire to “just get away from it all,” their children are left with an increased desire to be with their parents and reorganize their ideas of “how is it going to be now.”
Re-establishing a sense of predictability in the family is of the utmost importance. Since many of the traditions and routines present in the family are lost through a divorce, it is vital to the well-being of the child to quickly develop new routines and traditions. This facilitates the development of predictability in life which, in turn, helps in the development of a sense of safety and security.
Consider Professional Help When:
· Your child has shown uncharacteristically poor school performance for a semester or so.
· Your child is losing friends because he or she is unusually aggressive or apathetic.
· Your child shows uncharacteristically intense anger, throws many tantrums, or overreacts to minor situations.
· Your child has had prolonged mood swings that range from hostility to extreme affection.
· Your child continues to grieve unrestrainedly for the absent parent or the former family life.
· You see other radical changes in your child’s behavior, such as continuous problems in school, cheating, lying, or stealing, use of alcohol or other drugs.
